How Did You Get Here?

actualaster:

millennial-review:

Our parents generation was so incompetent at being parents they failed to teach us any of these useful life skills.

Let’s be honest about who fucked up here, it wasnt us.

tarvek-sturmvoraus:

my animal crossing character, heelying into the museum wearing sunglasses and holding a pina colada in one hand and an enormous bug in the other: blathers, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,

agentcalliope:

THE DWARF IN THE FLASK HOMUNCULUS

jxhn-mulaney:

some of y’all have never gone to make a happy birthday card, and thought “i don’t need to trace it. i know how big letters should be,” and begun with a big-ass H, followed by a big-ass A and… oh, no! oh, god! ok, all right. real skinny P with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second P below the hump of that first P, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. and now you have no room for the Y, so you do a kind of curled-up noodle Y. block letters and cursive look good together. and then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” you’re like, “yeah, but the past is the past. big-ass B. surely more letters will fit in the same space,” and it really shows.

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context: at the beginning of the game, the DM made each of us roll a d20 to see what random weapon we would get. My sister got a hammer.

Dm: so that hammer does 1d6 bludgeoning damage, but it’s non-lethal.

Me: even if what she hits is on it’s last HP?

Dm: *only half listening* yeah, yeah.

Later, my pet pseudo dragon scares another pseudo dragon out of a tree. it was the end of my turn so I called my sister over to see what it was.

Dm: it’s a venomous pseudo dragon. It hissed at you.

My sister: I attack it with-

Me: *whispers* knock it out with your hammer

My sister: I hit it with my hammer!

Dm: Okay. Roll a d20 to see if you hit it.

*sister rolls a nat 20. Dm rolls a nat 1*

Dm: Okay. Roll a d6 to see how much damage you do.

*sister rolls a nat 6*

Dm: you smack it so hard with your hammer that it’s skull flies out of it’s skin and the rest of it’s body is mush.

Me: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS NON-LETHAL?!

atvacuum:

bears-home:

This idea would not leave my brain

is now a bad time to mention that noir’s uncle ben was canonly eaten by a cannibal in the comics

jesterball:

jakemorph:

jesterball:

TSA people are ineffective because when i was five i took a tupperware container of snails, rollypollies and tiny millipedes with me on a flight out of the country and nobody knew until i opened it up to show my mom and they had all escaped onto the plane

actually you were unknowingly involved in a Nick of Time (1995)-like conspiracy with the TSA agents who wanted you to release the invertibrates onto the plane for political reasons

oh okahy that makes sense